Smoothies

• 1 banana, sliced and frozen
• 1 tablespoon of almond butter
• 2 teaspoons of flaxseed
• 1/2 cup of almond milk 
• A drizzle of honey
• Half a teaspoon of almond or vanilla extract
• Blend until smooth.

That was my breakfast this morning.  The smoothies for breakfast have been working out.  Sometimes I try to get one in for lunch too, but lets be honest...I like the feel of food in my mouth too.  Probably why I am fat!  

Just recently I have been thinking that maybe I am addicted to food.  I love it.  I love cooking.  I am always thinking of new things to make, new recipes to try.  Normally, I do cook healthy foods.  But, sometimes I don't eat them so healthy.  I might have seconds...and sometimes thirds.  This is probably the reason that my children are extremely healthy and that while I am eating the same foods, am not so healthy. 

I had my bloodwork redone yesterday.  We will see how that goes.  Okay...new measurements.  Yay.  My favorite time of the week.

Weight-202.6 lbs

Neck-14"

Upper Arm-14"

Wrist-6"

Bust-43"

Ribcage beneath bust-37 1/2"

Waist-39"

Stomach-42 1/2"

Hips-47 1/2"

Upper thigh-26"

Ankle-9 1/2"

  

Yeah, so not so good.  No loss what so ever.  I really want to get a bike.  I think I could handle bike riding with my knee.  It is low impact.  

Nutribullet

This past Christmas, Andrew's dad bought me a gift.  It was the very first gift he has EVER bought me since the day we met, over 18 years ago!  It was a nutribullet.  Andrew's dad went through throat cancer in the past two years. He became diabetic.  He bought the nutribullet and swears by it.  I have made a few smoothies with it, but never really fell in love with it.  And then...I saw his daughter Sara.  She looks phenomenal!  Her and her hubby.  Mark also bought them a nutribullet, and the difference is they use theirs.  One smoothie for breakfast and for dinner.  And, they have dropped so much weight!  

My problem has been finding a smoothie that tasted good, and was the right consistency.  Because my first few attempts on my own weren't all that great.  Too thick.  Too chunky.  Etc.  So...with a little help from Sara and pinterest...I have been having a smoothie for breakfast since friday.  Today will be my first attempt to have one for lunch too.  Today's breakfast is...

Cinnamon Mango Blast

• ¼ tsp. ground cinnamon
• ½ cup non-fat Greek style yogurt (with honey)
• 1 cup frozen mango chunks
• handful of spinach
• juice from half a lime
• 2-3 ice cubes
• Water to MAX line

Add all ingredients into the Tall NutriBullet cup and extract until smooth.

Gotta say...it is delish!  It looks pale green, but yummy!!!  And, I think I can finish this one :)

Stats

Weight~201.4 lbs
Neck-14".
Upper Arm-14"
Wrist-6"
Bust-43"
Ribcage beneath bust-37 1/2"
Waist-38"
Stomach-42 1/2"
Hips-47 1/2"
Upper thigh-26"
Ankle-9 1/2"

I gained .2 lbs.  I lost 2 1/2 inches.  I am not taking this as a true weigh in and measuring because I am just finishing up my TOM.  So, hopefully next week will be a truer results.

Pics of my senior

Hot mess

If anyone has ever had a senior graduate, you might understand.  If anyone has had a boy, you might understand.  If he has played sports, you might understand even more.  But, if you knew the relationship my oldest son and I have, you would also understand that you could never understand what I am going through.
Andrew's first 7 years were just me and him.  His dad is much older than me, and never was interested in a family with a girl 25 years younger than him.  Andrew was an accident.  And, at the time, I felt like I was the only one who was excited for this little baby, I had no support.  Not my parents, not the dad, no one.  And, I didn't really have any friends...I spent all my free time trying to impress a man who was an oak.  I was a toy, but too young to believe it and he wasn't budging.  Anyway, those first 7 years were me and Andrew.  Just us.  One boyfriend in that time, but nobody that ever lived with us.  Our bond was tight.  It also helped that I breastfed until he was 1 1/2 years old.  I was no pushover, I was tough, but I was fun too.  Somehow I got the combination right.  I was both parents...mom and dad.  And, I succeeded.  And, then I met Jim.  That is my youngest son's dad.

I met Jim at the end of June and at the beginning of August found out I was prego.  He decided to stay, God knows what made him, but he did.  I later found out that he was secretly gay, but confused about his role in life.  In January, we moved in together. The three of us.  Jim, me and Andrew.  Hoping to give us time to bond and get Andrew used to the idea of having a man around.  The baby was due at the beginning of April. Two weeks later, I had Christian.  I was sick, and forced to deliver two months early.  Once again, I felt alone.  I was the only one at the hospital every day.  Jim couldn't handle seeing the way too tiny baby.  He was 3 lbs 2 oz.  And where did that leave Andrew?  Well, Jim couldn't handle being alone with a boy he didn't really know.  And, with the way Jim's emotions were, I really didn't know him well enough to leave Andrew alone with him all the time.  I was still dealing with sharing that responsibility.  So, Andrew got scooted around to friends homes, family homes, etc while we dealt with the prematurity of Christian and me being sick in the hospital.  He overheard many horrible rumors about what was really going on.  By the time I came home from the hospital, he thought I had died.  It was horrible.  I was angry at my friends and relatives that they had let him hear these horrible things.  These things made Andrew stick to me even closer.

Time went on, and after about 4 1/2 years, I realized Jim and I were not a good team.  I had suspicions about his being gay.  He was manically depressed.  Spent money like liquid.  And, we never talked anymore.  I knew it was time to move on.  It was a hard separation.  And, then there were three.  Andrew was 11...Christian was almost 5...and I was 31.  Once again we were on our own.  And, that is how it remains today.

When we moved to Brooklyn, Andrew was going into 6th grade and Christian was going into kindergarten.  It was a fresh start for us.  It didn't take long to get that same easy going relationship with my boys.  Still hard on them.  Expecting nothing but the best.  But, always interested in what was happening.  Physically active in their lives.  And, they have always responded positively.  To this day, when people meet my boys they ask me how I have done so well with them.  I have no single answer.  I believe it starts from day one.  Not just one day you decide to be a part.  Life isn't perfect, but I don't expect perfection either.  Obstacles have popped up, but nothing we couldn't handle.  And, on a daily basis both boys impress me with their very mature decisions in daily life.

So, Andrew has been the man of the house for many years now.  He has been a positive role model for his little brother.  He is so active in our lives.  I don't get how some teenagers live in the house, and don't participate in anything family related.  Don't get me wrong, when it comes to external family stuff, grandma's house, Auntie Nu's house...he isn't always game.  But when it comes to things happening in our house, he is all game.  Playing wiffle ball with his little bro.  On his knees teaching how to tackle.  Everything.  Our lives are all intertwined.

He is not just my son.  He is a role model.  He is a friend.  He is the energy vibing in our house.  And, this year, his senior year is very emotional for my Christian and I.  We will have a different energy in this house when he goes to college.  A different vibe in the house.  It will be an amazing time to build a closer bond with just Christian and I...but it is so bittersweet.  And, tonight is his first football game as a senior.  So, yes I am a hot mess.

Getting my car fixed

So this morning I needed to drop my car off at the shop.  My blinkers are acting funny...making buzzing noises, so they have to do something to it.  ANYWAYS...decided to let my sister make my breakfast before I had to do that.  She bought this sweet potato pancake mix from Cracker Barrel.  It was amazing.  I had two small pancakes.  YUM>  I think I need to buy this stuff!

Then, I dropped my car off.  Not sure how much its gonna cost yet...thinking around $30 or so.  But the important thing is when I was offered a ride back to my house by the mechanic, I chose to walk :)  This is a huge step for me.  ANd I will be walking back when they call and tell me the work is done.

Soo...breakfast today was 2 sweet potato pancakes with a smidgen of syrup and a glass of 1% milk.  Lunch is going to be swordfish with black pepper on it and spring greens.  Dinner is going to be salmon burger with carrots on the side.  I think I could get used to this regimen on eating.  The food is amazing.  The exercise is harder to get into the swing of.  Getting ready to do day 2 of the sit ups challenge.

Sit Up Challenge

http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/originals/1d/a7/85/1da7852c01fd2a2a29520c4ed1520913.jpg


I am starting this challenge today.  I wanted to do the squat challenge and plank challenge with my friends, but with my knees I don't think that is a very good idea.

Breakfast today is a fage total 0% greek yogurt with honey and  crunchy nature valley oats n honey granola bars (2 per serving).  Lunch is in the air.  I am working lunch this morning.  Probably will not eat at work, but if I do, I will get a caprese salad.  If I eat at home, I will either have leftover soup from last night with baby carrots and snap peas on the side, or try out one of these salmon burgers I bought with the veggies on the side.  Dinner is grilled salmon, wild rice pilaf and roasted asparagus.

I was tempted to weigh myself today, but decided against it.  I will wait until the weekend.  That way, my results will be bigger :)

Yesterday

My eating habits were...better.  Had oatmeal with apples and cinnamon and a drizzle of fat free carmel on top for breakfast.  Had mango coconut salmon with mixed spring greens for lunch.  I made rigatoni with spicy turkey sausage, parsley and parmesan cheese for dinner.  Had some of that before I went to work, and then a little when I got home from work.  I did NOT snack at all yesterday...although I am prepared.  I bought some berries.  And nuts.

This morning I am enjoying fage greek yogurt.  Only one kind I like, with honey.  Eating a crunchy nature vallley oats n honey granola bar with it.  Lunch...I have a piece of mahi mahi in there marinating in soy sauce.  Probably have some more of those spring greens with it.  For dinner, I am making a big pot of bean soup with a little bit of lean ham in it.  Probably baking a loaf of bread to go with it, and before you think I am that suzy homemaker...the bread is pillsbury.  But, I read the label and it says 0 cholesterol.

Yesterday I did put in the prescription for the Vitamin D that my doctor sent in the mail.  I am going to give eating low cholesterol about a week before I go have my bloodwork redone.

I worked last night.  And...I work tonight.  My body is tired, and couldn't fall asleep yesterday.  I was up at 7 am with the boys to get them out the door to school, and now, at 9:30 am...I am ready to collapse back into bed for atleast another hour!  The clouds outside are drooping with their heavy moisture.  I am sure it will be raining soon.  I can't wait to feel that cool breeze blowing across this house.  And, that my friends, is just further invitation to climb back into bed and sleep.  I am wondering if my thyroid levels being off whack is what is making me so sleepy lately.  I have been taking my pill faithfully (which I don't do all the time...)  I have been playing with the idea of getting a treadmill too.  But then I think...are you kidding???  My house isn't big enough to have a treadmill....

Here we go...

http://www.saraholeary.net/hate-to-exercise-baby-step-your-way-to-fitness/   I need to remember this site, and these tips.  One of my biggest fails is that I jump in head first, go gung-ho for about two weeks, then fall off HARD>

No support

I would just like to say that it is hard to stick to goals when you constantly have friends and family telling you that you are not obese. You look fine.  You are beautiful.  I AM obese.  I DO have high cholesterol.  I DO have a bad thyroid.  I do NOT look fine.  Are these really my support system??/

New ideas

Today I have spent the entire day working.  I worked 12 hours at the restaurant today.  BUT...while I was working all of those hours, my mind was going 100 miles per minute.  I can't stop wrapping my mind around the fact that I now have high cholesterol.  So, tonight I went online and googled stuff to figure out what I should be doing that I am not doing now.  It's pretty much what I should have been doing all along. Nothing much different than eating healthy.

1. Eat heart healthy foods. -oatmeal, oat bran and high fiber foods -fish and omega-3 fatty acids  -walnuts, almonds and other nuts  -olive oil  -fresh fruits and veggies  -beans and legumes

2. Lose Weight.

3. Exercise on most days of the week.

4. Quit smoking.  (DONE...never smoked)

5. Drink alcohol in moderation. (DONE...don't really drink either)


So...back to the heart healthy foods, losing weight and exercise.  I am nervous.  I am scared I will fail.  I am going to the store tomorrow to buy a few newer healthier foods.  I already have oats and whole grains in the cupboard, but don't really eat them much.  Time to start putting what I KNOW into what I am DOING.  I have been way to relaxed in changing my habits.  Trying this small habits will eventually turn into lifestyle changes just isn't working for me.  I need to DO it.  Not talk about it.  I have a list of things I want to put into effect.  A few things each day this week to get this show on the road.  I am afraid of dying young.  I am afraid of leaving my children to people that will never love them unconditionally like I do.  My mind is in a million places right now.  I have so many fears.  I fear of failure.  I fear of giving up.  But I am ready.  I am ready to make real life changes.  Time to stop self pitying on this blog and get some real action going.

Surprise in the mail

So...I haven't really touched on it, but I have a very bad thyroid.  I was having heart palpitations right after I turned 30 and I started freaking out.  I didn't know what was going on.  I went to the doctor, and he couldn't figure it out.  I was perfectly healthy.  (NOT overweight at the time)  So, he ran a thorough bloodwork on me, and lo and behold I ended up having this outrageous thyroid issue.  Never even had a clue. My doctor said it was the worst case he has ever seen.  WHAT??   Since starting the meds, 8 years ago, I have gained 70 lbs.  I am a hot mess.  Today, in the mail, I receive a letter from my doctor stating  my cholesterol is bad now too :(  Great.  Also my vitamin D is low...but he says that is in part due to us living in Cleveland.  A lot of dreary days with no sun.  So, they are giving me a prescription for Vitamin D and want my bloodwork redone again.  Needles.  I used to hate them...now they are a part of my life.  Feels like every three months for the past 8 years I have been stuck by needles.  And, I have small veins.  And, now that I am fatter, it is even harder to find those suckers.  I hate getting bloodwork done.  I have wanted to see an endocrinologist for a while now.  I have to get a reference from my doctor.  I just don't understand how a healthy woman goes from only having mild heart palpitations to  a hot mess, WHILE ON THE MEDS.  My weight is an ongoing battle.  My lack of motivation is another thing all together.  I haven't told anyone in my family, but I do believe I am going crazy.  I know that the thyroid can create bad things chemically in your brain.  Schizophrenia.  Alzheimers.  etc.  I feel like I can't remember anything anymore.  Even simple things.  I forget where stuff is all the time.  I forget things I said two minutes ago.  I forget things I have done.  I was NOT like this a short while ago...and it kind of scares me.  I laugh it off with my family and friends, but it really does bother me.

Out with the old and in with the new

So, after a year and a half of being a member at Planet Fitness, I quit my membership.  I joined because it was cheap and brand new in our area.  Plus...biggest loser promoted them, so they had to be good, right?  Wrong.  Wrong. Wrong.  I joined at the $20 membership so that I could bring someone for free in with me.  It also included tanning, which I don't do, discount on their beverages, I always brought my own water, massage room, which was always full and open membership to all other PF locations, but no others were near me.  I got the membership so that my son would go with me.  Without fully thinking it out that he is in high school and plays sports year round.  Which means workouts year round.  He never went with me once.  When I first contacted them to change my membership, they said I was locked into a year.  Ok...fine.  So, I did the year.  Then come this past June I get an automatic charge of $80 from them.  I freaked.  "Annual fees" I was told.  Ok...didn't see that coming but I probably was told about it.  I went in today and asked them if I could switch to the $10 mthly plan since I didn't really use the benefits of the $20 plan.  They said sure.  Started the paperwork and then told me next month I would be charged a $30 annual fee!  I said forget it, just cancel.  RIDICULOUS.

I used to love PF>  when I first started it was on my way to work.  Everyday after work, I would stop and work out.  Plus, with my membership, I had access to FREE personal trainers!  I was very excited.  I signed up ofcourse :)  My PT time was shared with a 22 year old very fit girl, and while at first it was a little intimidating, what could I say...it was free!  First thing the PT did was discuss with me about healthy eating.  I explained that I do eat healthy pretty much all the time but I have a very bad thyroid condition that was recently discovered.  She gave me a website for tips on healthy eating just to help me tweak them more.  I was very grateful...feeling like she was really customizing just for me.  Then, the workouts came.  I love working out.  I love being challenged.  (REmember the 22 year old girl I mentioned earlier???) Until the PT started working with me.  Then I realized there was nothing special about my training session.  I was ridiculed and made fun of.  I was given the same exact things to do that this young, fit woman was given.  She wasn't fat like me.  She wasn't almost 40 like me.  Then the trainer made fun of my shoes.  She said they looked too old for this gym.  (Their motto is NO JUDGMENT in this gym)  I left that day feeling horrible about myself, but little did I know it was only going to get worse.  When I got home and went online to find that website, it was the PT's own personal website and her personal fees.  There was no list of tips on healthy eating.  That day at the gym pretty much turned my stomach against PF.  Everytime I went in, I swear that trainer was there.  I started going less.  I am now officially done with them.  Forever.

Now, one of my very good friends, Sarah, has invited me to go to a Hot Yoga class tomorrow with her.  I never heard of hot yoga before.  She said wear light clothing and bring lots of water because the class is held in a room that is 105 degrees.  WTF did I get myself into....

The house is quiet

Now that the children are back in school, I can really focus on me.  Today I am posting my stats.  I am not too happy about these stats.  That is the whole reason I am in this mess.  I hope that one day, I will flip back to this page in this blog, and smile at how far I have truly come.  So here goes...

Today, I weight 201.2 lbs.
My neck is 14".
My upper arm is 14 1/2".
My wrist is 6".
My bust is 43 1/2".
My rib cage underneath my bust is 38".
My waist is 39".
My stomach is 43".
My hips are 47 1/2".
My upper thigh is 25".
My ankle is 9 1/2".


So there you go.  That is me in a nutshell. It's plain to see where my issues lie.  Starting tomorrow morning, once I drop the boys off at school, I will follow thru and go right up to Planet Fitness.  I do have a membership there.  Even though I am terrified of being the fat girl working out, and everyone noticing me...I think I need an ipod or something to help keep my mind off of things.  Christian might have one laying around his room that he doesn't use. :)

Back to school

Tomorrow is the first day back to school.  It is a bittersweet moment for me.  My youngest son, Christian, is going into the sixth grade.  It is such an awkward time for little boys.  He hasn't exactly discovered what he likes yet.  He isn't sure if he's a baller or a gamer.  He loves basketball, but is intimidated to go to the local courts and play.  A lot of older kids are always there and they don't necessarily let him join in.  He loves video games, but me being his mother, I limit his time on them.  I am waiting for him to break out this year and discover what really gets him excited.  And then...there is Andrew.  He is a senior this year.  My eyes get moist just thinking about it.  Dropping him off this morning at his last summer practice got me all emotional.  It is going to be a rough year for me.

I lost 2 lbs.  Nothing big.  Probably water weight.  I am busting my ass at work, busting my ass getting the boys ready for school...and trying to keep the house running smoothly at the same time.  Right now, as I sit here typing I have exactly two hours before I am supposed to be at work.  In that time, I have to make dinner for the boys (so it's there when they get hungry), finish folding the laundry, Iron my uniform and take the half hour drive to work.  Everyday I feel like I am running constantly...but then I remind myself that in the near future I will miss these days.

P.s. The cable guy was hitting on me today.  And, he was 25 years old.  I thought he was gonna shit his pants when I told him that Andrew is a senior this year.  His jaw dropped and he said there is no way you have a kid that could be a senior.  Thank you.  Thank you very much Mr. Cable guy aka Anthony.  :)

A day at mom and dad's

So..this is a big problem.  My brother came home from South Carolina with his girlfriend and their two little boys.  For the first time in years, more people got together than just me, my boys and my folks.  Sooo...my mom cooked.  I should have been prepared.  I walk into their little house, and I am hit in the face with a wall of hot oven heat.  It is mid August...and nothing like my mom baking in that small house.  On the stove are about 30 homemade biscuits.  All I am thinking is that I will not eat a biscuit...I will not eat a biscuit.  Hers are made with lard.  And...tons of butter on top.  These are not something I ever make at home, nor would I ever eat them.  And...I haven't eaten them in YEARS...but I guess my mom wanted to surprise my brother.  I have no idea.  And, then I realized what the rest of her menu consisted of.  On the stovetop, she had a huge pot, the kind you boil water for pasta in, filled with homemade sausage gravy.  There was a plate of crispy bacon and spicy sausage patties next to it.  In a huge cast iron skillet, about 4 pounds of potatoes were chopped up and sprinkled very heavily with salt and pepper.  And, just as happy as can be, there was my mom standing at the stove asking me what kind of eggs I would like.  She was surprising us with breakfast for dinner.  I almost fainted.  She knows that I am struggling with body issues right now.  I have watched HER struggle with body issues since the day I was old enough to recognize that my mom wasn't quite as thin as the other moms.  My brother's girlfriend is obese as well. I kindly told her I would not be having any eggs, that there was more than enough food to fill me up.  I ate a bunch of strawberries and grapes that she had cut up and had on the table for the kids.  Then, I proceeded to crumble up a biscuit, and put gravy on top.  Then I took one slice of bacon.  Then, I took a scoop of potatoes, and to top it off, a little gravy on that too.  I am overweight...and I never eat like this. My mom hasn't cooked like this in years.  And I can't help but feel that she is secretly sabotaging me.  I swear when I walked in...after asking me what kind of eggs I wanted, she said if I wanted something a little healthier that she had some leftover chicken alfredo in the fridge instead.  WTF.  The only positive thing in this scenario is that I did get to spend time with my family. Normally...this is done at my house.  Mostly everybody comes to my house for celebrations because...1. I am a great cook.  2. I am dead in the middle of where everyone lives.  It makes me happier to cook the food myself because then I KNOW what is in it.  I KNOW what I can afford to eat and not eat.  Soo...I did eat very unhealthy today.  Tomorrow is a new day.  But, sometimes I get tired of saying that to myself.

The day before day one...

I am nervous.  I have tried to lose weight for about 5 years now.  I have not been very successful.  I like to blame my thyroid.  I like to blame my bummed out knees.  But really, it is me.  My motivation.  My go-get-em-ness has just run out.  I have tried no carbs...low carbs...hungry girl...eating all whole grains...sparkpeople...weight watchers...I have stuck with nothing.  I don't want my children to think that I can not do this.  I want to stop thinking myself that I can not do this.  I know two different people that have lost a pretty large amount of weight in the past year.  Neither of them really will say how they did it.  I asked one girl if it was low carb, low fat, sparkpeople...what?  She said...all of the above.  What the hell.  Low carb and low fat are NOT the same.  Sparkpeople is baby steps at a time, not low carb at all.  It's so confusing.  I know so much about healthy lifestyles and losing weight and somewhere in the jumble....I know TOO much.  I mix up info.  I combine different theories.  I start low carb one day, and it lasts about a week, and then...I see a really great looking oatmeal recipe for breakfast, and I stop low carbing and start eating this amazing oatmeal.  But, I think it negates what I have tried to do with the one type of diet.  I wish there was a genuine real deal answer out there.  I know...eat healthy and exercise.  But the big questions are...what is healthy anymore?  Everyday a new type of eating is healthy.  Trying low carb, I learned fruits weren't necessarily good for you....so depressing.  When I think healthy food, in my own little mind, I think fresh fruits and veggies.  Fresh meats and grains cooked at home.  Not a lot of salt.  Not a lot of sugar, but not artificial sugars either, like splenda.  And this is exactly how I ate for years, and how I feed my children, but somewhere along the way...I got fat.  My boys are not fat, they are very healthy.    And, now that I am fat, I hate exercising.  There is nothing like seeing the fat girl out there trying to exercise.  I hate how I look in my mind.  I hate how I think others look at me.  I hate going anywhere, because I hate wearing clothes.  They make me feel even fatter.  I weighed myself today, and I have tipped the scales at 204.  I am only 5'4".  I want to cry.  I want to scream.  I want to look up what they did to lose weight in the 1950's when people didn't have so many contradicting theories running around.  I feel like there is no answer out there for me.  This eat healthy and exercise theory is just too vague.  There are so many different ways of eating, and everyone claims to be the healthiest.  Why can't anyone be straight forward anymore.  It's like it is some big secret that once someone has lost weight they don't want to share.  Why not???